#30

The number 30 has never been a big deal to me. It is after all just a number. I do have to say that on December 18 the number 30 became very significant. The number 30now represents how far along in this pregnancy we are. 30 WEEKS! We have made it to 30 weeks. I have waited a long time to get to the final 10 week countdown, but it has arrived! For most of this pregnancy we have just kept to ourselves for the most part. I didn't want to jinx anything. I have been afraid to let myself relax, and enjoy this pregnancy because I have been waiting for something to go wrong. Now that we are at 30 weeks I am finding myself being able to breathe a little, but at the same time a whole new wave of anxiety is building. Will our little boy be okay? Will his heart truly be okay? Will he have Downs Syndrome? I have been trying to keep all the possibilities in the front of my mind because I do not want to feel blindsided if he is born needing extra medical attention. I am not as concerned about if he has Downs Syndrome as I am what if something is wrong with his heart. I know we are getting closer to finding out the answer to our questions and while there is some comfort it is very scary also. So I will celebrate making it to the final 10 weeks, but will definitely continue to pray that our boy's heart has been healed and the strength to face whatever comes next.

Angel

As we are approaching an empty due date this poem hit close to home.

I've lost a child, I hear myself say,
and the person I'm talking to just turns away.
Now why did I tell them, I don't understand
it wasn't for sympathy or to get a helping hand.
I just wanted them to know I've lost something dear.
I want them to know that my child was here.
My child left something behind which no one can see.
My child made just one person into a family.
So, if I've upset you, I'm sorry as can be.
You'll have to forgive me, I could not resist.
I just want you to know my child did exist.

It's A Boy

So we are expecting a beautiful little boy. I have to say this precious little boy has already changed us in ways we didn't expect. First was the struggle to get pregnant, but once we were pregnant and past the first trimester we thought it would be nothing but smooth sailing. Well we were not prepared for what happened next. We went to the doctor as a family for our ultrasound to find out if there would be another boy or girl added to our family. Our kids were excited, and we were excited! It was not until we heard those words we didn't expect out of the doctor's mouth... Your baby has a spot on his heart that we are concerned with. My heart dropped, I had to keep myself calm because our other two kids were in the room listening to everything, and I suddenly couldn't understand what the doctor was saying. I remember hearing the baby had a spot on his heart. I remember hearing this could be a possible sign of Downs Syndrome. Everything else was I need to get my children out of this room, and it almost sounded like everything the doctor was saying was being slurred around in my head to the point I could not understand what she was saying. We scheduled an appointment with a high risk doctor to do a Level 2 ultrasound, and we waited. We found out that we were having a boy on Monday, and my next appointment was not until Wednesday afternoon. We celebrated with the kids that they were going to have a little brother, and we prayed. We told our family and our closest friends who all immediately became our support system/our prayer warriors. The wait from Monday to Wednesday was one of the longest waits of my life. Was there something wrong with my little boy's heart? Travis and I decided we have to step up and do what we have always tried to teach our kids that we are not in control and we have to give our little boy over to God. I am one of those people who likes to be in control so to let go of my baby that we have so desperately wanted for so long, and let God be in control was extremely hard. Wednesday afternoon finally came and after a two hour appointment with a specialist we were told that yes our little boy has a spot on his heart that is a calcium deposit, and thankfully should not ever cause him any problems. There is still a possibility that he could have Downs Syndrome, and if he does it is okay. We at least know his heart is okay. From Monday to Wednesday this is what we learned: You have to Let Go and Let God Have It. If you have a pile of laundry that needs to be done, so what at the end of the day will it really change your life. I didn't get all the dishes washed and put away after supper, it will be okay I can finish it in the morning after my beautiful, healthy children leave for school. I didn't make it to the grocery store and we are having sandwiches again, at least I still get to sit a table surrounded by my awesome family. I didn't get to go out for a girl's night that I have been hoping for, it is okay it is just another opportunity to spend more quality time with my beautiful healthy kids. Are you noticing a pattern? My priorities have changed. So we may not live in the nicest house, drive the nicest cars, wear the nicest clothes. So what I am living in a home with my family that keeps us dry from rain, warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and together everyday. So while it has been tough and may get a little tougher, at the end of the day what really matters. My God, my husband, and my THREE precious children here on earth, and the two babies that we look forward to meeting one day. I know this is lengthy I just wanted to be able to look back on this a year, two years, five years from now, and remember how thankful I should always be for my family and friends.

NEVER TELL GOD HOW BIG YOUR STORM IS; TELL YOUR STORM, HOW BIG YOUR GOD IS.

So Far So Good

Well I am starting to relax a little more with our little Love Bug now that we have made it to 13 weeks, and I am starting to outgrow most of my clothes. There are still times that I start to panic that maybe something is wrong with the baby but it it is not taking Travis as long to get me settled down now. I have also started to feel guilt for being pregnant which is a little strange. I feel guilty when I am walking through a store now that I am starting to show a little because I know that pain of seeing a pregnant woman when children have been taken from you. It is very painful and brings back up the emotions of losing a child to begin with. I do not want to hurt anyone or cause anyone pain, but I am very thankful and blessed to be carrying this child. We are due at the end of February which is going to be interesting since this is a leap year. We are taking this pregnancy one day at a time and hoping for the best.

Family of Four No More

Well what a crazy couple of weeks we have had. The last couple of years have been rocky but things are finally looking up. Travis and I have been trying for a long time to have another baby. We have also suffered the loss of two precious babies the most recent this past March. A few weeks ago at church during a special prayer time I prayed and asked the Lord to send us a sign as to whether or not we could have anymore children. I know that sometimes the answer is no but I would rather be told no than continue to get my hopes up and then just wait to see if we would be blessed with another child only to be disappointed again. These are the events that happened over the next week.

Monday: Woke up sick and thought that I had a stomach virus Matthew had been sick with.

Tuesday: Leann asked me to hold her baby dolls that she named Makenzie and Makayla. This may not seem like a big deal but when I was pregnant months before Travis and I had decided that if that baby was a girl her name would be either Makenzie or Makayla and nobody knew that. Our children didn't even know that I had been pregnant in March. I was shocked and asked Leann where she got the names for the baby dolls and she told me she just made them up.

Wednesday: Still sick and while taking Matthew to science camp there were a few songs that played on the radio that were making me emotional. Before a song began to play that hit me the hardest there was an interview with the person who wrote the song who explained that the song was written during a time that he and his wife had been trying to have a child and continued to suffer miscarriages and were finally blessed with a child. Took the first pregnancy test which was positive and I was shocked. I then made a doctor's appointment for the next day.

Thursday: Went to the doctor and that test was also positive and the doctor did blood work. Still in shock I began to panic that I would have another miscarriage.

Friday: Blood work came back and my numbers were very high and that was exciting but I was still scared even though all the signs had been sent to me during the week that should have been a comfort.

I have been extremely nervous until yesterday when I went to the doctor and had an ultrasound. It turns out I am further along than originally thought. I have to say that when I heard that precious baby's heartbeat I felt a calm through my body and of course I cried while looking at the image of my beautiful baby. We did tell the kids last night and they are both hoping for a girl and have named the baby Love Bug! I finally feel like everything will be okay.

When Life Gives You Lemons

Let me start off by saying that nothing that I am writing is meant to hurt anyone. I am just using this blog as my outlet to sort through some things that are happening in our my life right now. The past 13 months of my life have been extremely difficult. There have been days when I did not want to get out of the bed. However, when you are a senior in college and are in the middle of student teaching this is not an option. I had to suck it up and put on a happy face and try to make it through the day. Travis and I have been very private about some things that have been going because frankly it is not any ones business except ours. There are only a few people in our lives right now that really know what has been going on. For the most part those people have been very supportive. The most recent trial in our lives came toward the end of this past year. I started feeling unsure about going to church. I saw getting up on Sunday mornings as an obligation and a routine that we had to stick to rather than feeling excited and like I could not wait to get to church to worship. I dreaded Sundays. I looked forward to the weekends to try and get a little break of school but I absolutely dreaded that day of the week. I felt like the walls of my life began to close in around me. I did not say anything to Travis because I thought it was just the stress of my final weeks of college, or maybe it was from some of the other things that had caused the depression earlier in the year. Either way it was not a good feeling but I said nothing. I was looking forward to doing the children's Christmas program like I always do. As I began working on the program I was enjoying my time with the kids but something was missing still. I had a feeling of being uncertain about everything if that makes any sense. I still said nothing until finally one night as Travis and I began talking I brought it up. Church should not feel like an obligation. Church should be a place that we are breaking down the doors with excitement to go and worship. I know it is not always perfect. However, if I do not make changes in my life that show my children by example how important church is then I am failing them miserably. So, after talking for a couple of months, praying about it, and then sitting our children down to talk to them a decision was made. We left the only church that my children have ever known. We did go to a different church when Matthew was a baby it was the church that I grew up in and he does not remember it. We talked as a family and decided that wherever we decided to go we would give it a few weeks and not make any snap judgements, and if we find a church that we like we have to decide as a family to join. If there are doubts in one of the kids, Travis, or I then that is not the church for our family. We are making the decision that we feel is best for our family. We thought that people would respect our intentions and decisions that we are making to do what is right within our family. I did not anticipate that some of the most hurtful comments would be made by some of those closest to us that I considered to be part of our support system. I know that not everyone will agree with every decision that I make or that Travis makes. All that we are asking is that people pray for us that we find that place where we feel like we belong and not criticize and say hurtful things just because it is not the decision that they would have made. I know this is long and I do apologize but I needed to vent a little. After some of the events that have happened over the past 2 months we now know for sure that we are making the right decision for our family. We felt like we were being called to go to another church and what kind of Christians would we be if we ignore that just to make everyone else around us happy. The things that have happened over the past 13 months have really put my priorities in to perspective. I know that the Lord has something in store for us just because of the little roadblocks that keep getting put in front of us. I am excited to see what is next for our family!